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| We're huddled in the glass room, shirking our responsibilities. Teachers keep looking in, seeing us "working," but they don't ask questions. We're so plainly visible we couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong. I love being unsupervised, even though I'm not using the time wisely at all. I have a 10 minute presentation on the significance of the United Nations in Japan at 2:30 that I haven't even started. I'll probably skip. I'll do it tomorrow.
I've figured out where I'm applying to college. I've got that much figured out. I know what my senior exhibition will be on and I bs'd my way to an A on a 13 page paper and lead a discussion on it flawlessly. Which is awesome. But there's still shit I need to do.
If I forget taking a birth control pill for just one fucking day, I get the most malicious spotting ever. It's getting really annoying. And the timing sucks out loud.
I've been seeing a guy named Luis. He's nice.
I dunno. I'm not sure we have any potential for anything other than make-out buddies. He's shy and awkward at conversation and goes "um I don't know" a lot. But he is very sweet, and he's super polite. His table manners are flawless. It makes me feel inadequate.
Earlier this year, I said that I really wanted to go to college with Sam. I wanted to spend every moment with her.
She lived with me for a week, and that changed a lot... but I think it would be different if we were in college and in a dorm, not my house. It was just weird and somewhat uncomfortable having her around all the fucking time. I wanted to go out with Luis and she had to come along too because I couldn't just leave her at home by herself. She was no more than a room or two away when I argued with my mother. She was sitting on my bed, watching me clean my room. She pounced on me first thing in the morning to wake me up and told me that I have terrible morning breath. Oh thanks so much.
It's a four day weekend. Luis and I are going to the aquarium on Thursday and around his campus on Friday. I need to go clothes shopping on Saturday and Sunday... I have three pairs of pants that aren't completely destroyed. I've put off shopping for new clothes about as long as I can. It's getting cold now and I can't wear shorts and capris and tank tops. I need some nice sweaters and long sleeved shirts that don't make me feel like a suffocating second grader. And holy shit, I need pants. All of my jeans are worn through except one pair, and those are my nice jeans. The ones I *really* don't want to wear through.
Lately I've taken to borrowing my little sister's jeans, because we're approximately the same height... only she's 150 lbs and a size 8-10 and I'm a size 4. 6 is comfortably loose on me.
...So that won't work.
At school we just finished doing a production of the play Boy Gets Girl, by Rebecca Gilman. Everyone in that show wears button-up shirts and slacks and jackets. I discovered that I have barely any of that stuff, but I also discovered that I like looking nice. It's a big jump from where I was this time last year... baggy ripped jeans, wrinkled band shirt, mismatched socks. I want matching socks. I get an extreme sense of satisfaction when I'm wearing two of the same kind of sock, even if they don't then match anything else I'm wearing. I just would really like my socks to match. Saturday I couldn't find matching socks when I was going out with Luis, so I just didn't wear socks, and ended up with two bloody sore places on my heels. That's embarrassing.
...Okay. That's all I got. I'm going to actually work on something now.
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| so, i was reading this, and i invite others to do the same:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlemc.aspx?cp-documentid=22024556>1=32023#atoolb
...my thoughts?
i think the author is over-thinking the situation.
to each their own.
some people don't want love.
some people just want to get married. everything else is superfluous.
there are plenty of couples in arranged or paid for marriages who are perfectly happy.
i'm not saying it's the right thing to do.
i'm saying there IS no "right" way to go about any of it.
what did you think? | | |
| i'm so mad.
no one ever gives me a chance to explain myself. people are always so headstrong in their judgements. i rarely ever get a word in edgewise.
dear chad,
you're wrong. you're wrong about me and you're wrong about how you're going about getting what you want. you're wrong for keeping her a secret from me, and you're wrong about lying to me about how you feel. you're wrong for blocking me out entirely right as i was about to give you a third chance, which i shouldn't have done anyway, but i was going to. you're selfish and arrogant and shallow and i should have never given you a first chance, let alone a second. you're wrong for seeing me as a bag of body parts, or a sex toy, or something less than human. you're wrong for attempting to use me without giving a shit about who i am and what i stand for. i know you said you were sorry, but you don't know what you're sorry for. you're wrong for saying things you don't mean in an effort to make me feel guilty for something i should never feel guilty for.
dear darby,
you're wrong for making an assumption and holding it against me. you're wrong for leaving me to infer things for myself and not explaining things to me when that was all i wanted in the first place. you're wrong for refusing to talk to me when all i wanted was for you to tell me what was up with us. you're wrong for stringing me along and for casting me out, hoping i'd get the idea. you're wrong for just forgetting about me, forgetting that i cared about you, forgetting that i was counting on you. you're dead to me now, i deserve better than this.
dear neal,
i can't tell you how happy i am that you're miserable. it's your own fault, too, and i know you know that. you're wrong for dismissing school, shutting out your family, being fake to your friends, and for trying to make me one of your possessions rather than a person. you're wrong for being controlling and manipulative and cold. you're wrong for ignoring the things you need to do not only to prove to your parents that you're capable and trustworthy but the things that you need to do for yourself so that you can be independent. you're wrong for isolating yourself from the people who care about you and want you to be happy. karma found its way to come back around and bite you hard. i know you haven't learned anything valuable from it, you're still stuck up in the clouds of self-pity. but that's none of my concern now, you're on your own.
today was a good day. i went to the doctors for a well-check, i weigh 116 lbs. that's fine by me. i feel good. i got birth control, so i'm happy about that. today was also amber's birthday, so we ate cake and played wii tennis and DDR and watched cars go by, then we went to ac moore and 5 below to purchase frivolous things. that's always fun. i love having best friends. i don't feel nearly so alone. yesterday lexie and i went to her house for dinner. i like her family, they're all so quirky and adorable. we dug through her massive collection of vhs taps and set up a vcr in her basement to watch 7 brides for 7 brothers and singin in the rain that her mom taped off cable in like 1995. i love that girl so much. i harldy see her anymore, but we're going to do a lot of fun things this weekend. i'm looking forward to it. ugh i don't want to do homework, i don't want to do college things. i need to make myself want to do work, i know it's all so important but i can't seem to make myself do it. ugh. the sooner this year is over the better. | | |
| Him: You are truly something else. Something someone does not just find on any ordinary day. You carry a spark of life that few people can match in intensity. I can say truly, it is nice to know you, Mary.
Him: You're ridiculously cute, too.
Me: that definitely was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Him: No way.
Me: way.
Me: that by far tops "you know what buddy, you're alright" and "you look kinda like my roommate, and she looked like audrey tatou." | | |
| school starts tomorrow. i'm actually looking forward to it. i think this will actually be a very good year. gonna be a big bad senior, gonna be driving myself places with my best friends, gonna see this boy i really like every few weekends when he comes back from college, gonna look at and apply to colleges myself, gonna get accepted somewhere i wanna go, gonna start writing a new chapter in my life...
oh my GOD it's so exciting ^___^
it feels so good to finally have really good friends that i go to school with and get to see. amber and sam mean the world to me. even though amber has graduated, she's still in the area and we'll get to see her every tuesday. sam has a bunch of classes with me this year, so that'll be great.
my schedule this year is not particularly challenging. i am going to talk to the head master about maybe changing some classes or getting an approval to do an independent study. or i'll go see my extremely gay friend mike at the community college on wednesdays for modern dance. why the hell not :D
i feel so GOOD. this is going to be such a great year. | | |
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